THE ART OF DYING

I've tried to avoid it, and I can't any longer. This is how I'm killing myself slowly, with each skipped meal and aching bone. Watch me fade to nothing.

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Had a horrible day yesterday. Texted Ben all morning, and had a 200 calorie Lean Cuisine for lunch but at dinner, my older brother threw a water pitcher at me. He’s 18, a college drop out, and just started rehab for drug addiction. My mom has been so stressed over the whole affair that she’s gone of the deep end, so started screaming at me for “provoking him” (apparently I looked at him funny). I get that she can’t control him and she’s overwhelmed and frustrated by the whole ordeal but that doesn’t make it okay for her to take her bullshit out on me. Needless to say, after she came upstairs later to scream at me some more, I binged on pasta and cheese and leftovers. I have no idea how much I ate yesterday. Somewhere between 600 and 1600 calories. I don’t care.

150.2

Had a very successful fast yesterday! I only had half a cup of whole milk. I woke up, did calisthenics for about half an hour, then chilled until the evening because I was babysitting this adorable 16 month old. He didn’t finish his milk so I drank it out of his bottle XD but god I was hungry. I used their home gym for a while but I got really nervous that they’d come home early so I stopped after I’d only burned about 100 calories. My head is reeling though because my crush of more than three years came over while I was babysitting, and told me he’d loved me since the day he’d met me, and wanted to dump his psychobitch girlfriend to be with me. Whether or not he will is the question, but… I’m just so dazed. This sort of thing doesn’t happen to me. Ahhhhh…. we stayed up until 4 in the morning texting each other and it’s just… magical. Just completely and totally magical. Him, love me? I can hardly believe it.

152.3

Ahhhh I forgot how good it feels to lose <3 It’s been far too long. Fasting today, and I haven’t eaten more than 700 a day this whole week. Not quite as low as I’d like it, but it’s my first week off recovery, and I’m proud of that. Down about 3 lbs this week, which is quite respectable if I do say so myself. I WILL be thin.